It goes quiet, we don’t quite know what to say. For them, the world has ended. Everything they have worked for so, so long, has disintegrated around them. For some, there are turns of anger and rage, for others, utter silence.
We ponder on what to say.
It’s natural for us to want to fix it straight away. That’s what we want immediately for our child – to ease the pain of the loss. Most parents are like this, but we’ve all witnessed the vicarious parent who can go on the attack. The defeat is their defeat. A character assassination on them.
There are so many interleaved motivations for how a parent can respond. But for-armed is for-warned.
So here we’d like to share some thoughts about the dynamics to help and support your son or daughter to stay in love with our sport and go again. Bigger and better.
First, it’s important to respect the boundaries of their role and not overstep into the technical and tactical aspects that should be addressed by the coach. Instead, the focus should be on creating a positive conversation that promotes safety and reassurance.
To initiate the conversation, the parent should approach their child with empathy and understanding, acknowledging the disappointment they may be feeling.
“I can imagine this loss is tough for you, and it’s completely normal to feel disappointed. Remember, setbacks are a part of any sport, and opportunities to get better.”
The parent should then shift the conversation towards highlighting the positive aspects of their child’s performance, without delving into technical details. They might say, “I could see how hard you trained for this fight, and your determination and resilience in the ring was amazing. Your commitment to the sport is truly inspiring.”
Musch of this is allowing the hormones to reset. It’s hard to be rational when the body is still in a real primeval state. The limbic system is running riot and rationalization is a far cry away. (sometimes literally)
The next day, encouraging self-reflection is important. The parent could ask their child, “What do you think you did well during the fight? And what areas do you feel you could improve on?” This allows the child to identify their strengths and areas for growth without the parent offering technical advice. It’s a switch between hot and cold reviews. Often the comparison between the two will show the boxer what is real and what is emotion.
Lastly, the parent should focus on providing reassurance and reminding their child that setbacks are a natural part of the journey. They might say, “Remember, even the greatest boxers have experienced losses. It’s how they bounce back and learn from these experiences that ultimately lead to success. I have confidence in your abilities, and I know you have the determination to come back stronger. I’m proud of you.”
No matter the outcomes, you are in their proverbial corner. Any labeling of winning to your ‘conditional’ love or support is washed away. Unconditional love no matter the result will allow them to move forward with freedom, not with the shackles of expectation which can hinder their progress.
By respecting that it’s the coach’s role in discussing technical and tactical aspects, the parent can create a positive conversation that fosters psychological safety and motivation. Not clouding feedback with information which must be clear from the coach. This approach allows the child to process their emotions, reflect on their performance, and maintain their enthusiasm for the sport, while still benefiting from the guidance and expertise of their coach.
If we can label a loss as signposting to success, then we can create more of a growth mindset around processes as opposed to destinations. We can only control what we can control and keeping your child’s mind on the controllables will not only help their performance but help them grow as an athlete and person too, not just the boxer.
Check out future articles around how we can foster positive mindsets as a parent.